By Tommy Watanabe

CAST OF CHARACTERS

NICKY TANAKA: The gay everyman; loyal and trustworthy of his friends and armed with a sarcastic tongue and dry wit. Mid-20s. Best friends with Daniel McCoy.

DANIEL McCOY: Laid back and straight-acting; may or may have feelings for Nicky Tanaka. Mid-20s.

SKIP CARRINGTON: A gay personal trainer; vapid and narcissistic. The gay “Mean Girl.” Late-20s/early-30s.

“MAMA” GORDY ROBERTS: The group’s “den mother”; portly/husky/stocky; speaks his mind and can sometimes be loud and boisterous. Talks to his friends as if they’re his children. Late 20s/early-30s.

SEBASTIAN RICHARDS: Wishy-washy, introverted, proper, intelligent, highly critical and judgmental; best friends with Skip Carrington, who refuses to acknowledge his bad qualities. Mid-20s. Wears glasses and is always dressed uptight.

TRAVIS SWITCHER: Bisexual playboy, ex-boyfriend of Nicky Tanaka, sometimes he’s not the brightest crayon in the box, funny, and very charismatic.

TRAVIS FLOWERS: Newbie gay, fresh out of the closet, late teens, is at that stage of young homosexuality where everything is about being gay and he’s rather militant in gay activism, bright-eyed and not as naïve as his age would assume. Current boyfriend of Travis Switcher.

FRANKLIN TANAKA: Nicky Tanaka’s dolt father who constantly crosses his wires and botches anecdotes. Mid-to-late 40s.

THE SETTING: The setting for BBT is the living room of the home of Danny, Nicky, and Gordy. There is a large window in the center of the back wall, with the front door next to it. The window looks out to the neighborhood and presumably the driveway. The kitchen is down stage-left with an island counter top in front of the fridge and sink. There are two stools lined up against the kitchen island/counter. There is a couch and two armchairs or recliners in the living room, the couch is in the middle with one armchair/recliner on either side. There is one nightstand on each side of the couch, a lamp is on the nightstand on the right side of the couch, a cordless phone and charger (along with answering machine), is on the left-side nightstand. A coffee table is in  the center of the furniture. On stage-right there is a door that leads into a hallway that branches off into the three separate bedrooms of Gordy, Nicky, and Danny. The house can be decorated pretty much in any fashion reflecting the taste of the characters. A TV remote rests on the coffee table (along with some magazines). The TV is the audience.

“Don’t Keep Me Waiting” by Sharleen Spiteri plays as the audience gets settled into their seats. Once the song ends, the lights come up and we hear two people bickering as they walk past the living room window and unlock the front door to the house, pushing their way through with groceries in each of their hands, it’s NICKY TANAKA and GORDY ROBERTS. The two make their way to the kitchen and begin putting the groceries away, obviously flustered, irritated, and in a hurry.

NICKY

Seriously, I’m going to punch him and his whore right in the nuts.

GORDY

No point in being mad now. We’ve got the groceries, let’s just try and get everything cooked before everyone gets here.

NICKY

It’s not just about the fact that Dan “forgot” he promised to drive us to the store, it’s also the fact that him and his he-bitch couldn’t be bothered to clean up their mess last night and I spent all morning cleaning this kitchen.

GORDY

What the hell even happened last night? By the time I got home from work you all were asleep.

NICKY

They decided to have a dinner party to celebrate their six-month anniversary.

GORDY

Oh for the love of God, I hate that shit. One-month, two-month, six-month anniversary … any reason to celebrate when you’re co-dependent.

NICKY

And you should just be thankful you didn’t have to walk in on the festivities … it was like the goddamn Gay Legion of Doom in here.

GORDY

Oh, l love this game, let me take a wild guess at who the VIP’s were …

NICKY

Be my guest.

GORDY

(Thinking)

Hmmm, let’s see … “Nevermind.”

NICKY

Giving up already?

GORDY

No. “Nevermind” was one of the guests. You know, that fat, obnoxious Perez Hilton, Gossip Girl wannabe … the one we pay no mind, therefore he’s “Nevermind.”

NICKY

(Smiling)

You know, Mama Gordy, you’re not exactly in the running for America’s Next Top Model.

GORDY

Look here, my little Cunt of the Litter, me and Mr. Nevermind are completely different. He’s fat. I’m voluptuous.

NICKY

(Mockingly)

Oh yes, Mama, you with all them curves and me with no brakes.

GORDY

You bet your ass! Now, let me think … who else was at this party? Hmm, Tuck Everlasting?

NICKY

Tuck Everlasting?

GORDY

Yeah, that’s what I call their friend Matt, you know, the one who has had every stitch of him lifted. The kid looks like a Sin City science project. I’m sure the contestants of Project Runway could use him as a pin cushion.

NICKY

(Impersonating Tim Gunn)

Now designers, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried.

GORDY

So am I right? Matt and Nevermind were both here.

NICKY

You’re right. And then, of course, your best friend in the whole world was here. Mr. Identity Crisis Troy himself.

GORDY

Oh lord, what name was he going by now? Is he still going by the name Logan?

NICKY

No. Logan was soooo last month, get with the times Mama.

GORDY

You know, for a black guy, he picks some of the whitest names.

NICKY

Well, now he’s going by the name Eli.

GORDY

I’m rolling my eyes so much that I’m getting a headache. Do we have an aspirin left?

NICKY

Check the medicine cabinet, there should be a couple left.

GORDY exits through the door that leads to the hallway leading to the bathroom and everyone’s bedrooms. As Nicky starts pulling a cooking sheet out in order to get food prepared, we hear a car pull up and DANIEL McCOY and his boyfriend SKIP CARRINGTON pass by the window. The couple make their way into the house and NICKY becomes visibly more agitated.

DANNY

(Apologetically)

Nicky, I’m so sorry man.

NICKY

For what? Not cleaning up your mess or forgetting that you said you’d take me and Gordy to the store?

DANNY

Skip’s parents needed help moving, so I offered my truck; I thought I would be back in time to clean up and help out.

NICKY

It’s fine. It’s done.

DANNY

To make it up to you, I’ll do the dishes tonight after everyone leaves. How’s that?

NICKY

It’ll still probably be faster if I do them myself. Thanks though.

Things are clearly uncomfortable as Gordy re-enters the scene.

SKIP

Don’t beat yourself up babe, you heard him; it’s all taken care of. Now, hurry up and grab your wallet, we’re going to be late.

GORDY

Late for what?

SKIP

My parents are treating me and Danny to dinner at PF Chang’s for helping them move. And Dan forgot his wallet.

DANNY

Well, I didn’t think I would need it if all I was going to be doing was moving an entertainment center and two couches.

Danny exits through the hallway door to get his wallet.

GORDY

(Skeptical)

It took three hours to move one entertainment center and two couches?

SKIP

There was traffic, and my parents spent a lot of the time chatting him up. They really like him. Which is a good thing since it’s just a matter of time before he and I move in together.

Nicky drops a pan loudly.

GORDY

Um, well, I certainly hope that you two find a nice place together.

SKIP

What, you two wouldn’t “approve” of my moving in here?

NICKY

Let’s just say, I will burn this house down with all of you in it before I let that happen.

SKIP

Oh, Nicky, still harboring ill feelings?

GORDY

You don’t like him. And you obviously know he doesn’t like you. Why do you have to constantly instigate him?

SKIP

Excuse me, Mama Cass, I think I was talking to Bitter Betty, not you.

NICKY

God, you are such a fucking asshole, Skip. I would give anything if you would just stop being a pain in my ass for one day.

SKIP

This is about the dishes, isn’t it? Oh, no, it’s about the fact that you had to walk to the store and carry the groceries because you’re too poor to buy a car. Is that right? Darling Nicky had to do some actual labor today.

NICKY

Don’t act like you’re so blissfully ignorant. You know my issues with you. Don’t try to turn this into something meaningless when you are fully aware of the underlying issue. And secondly, I’m not poor, thank you very much. I just don’t see the need in spending money on a car right now in this economy when I’m perfectly capable of taking the bus.

GORDY

Yeah, Skip. For some of us, taking public transportation isn’t a death sentence.

SKIP

Well, I’m sorry. I figured with all of Nicky’s acting gigs that he was rolling in the money – Oh, wait. That’s right, you don’t get paid for all those shows you’ve performed in. My bad! You weren’t even the first person chosen for all those roles, were you Nicky? I guess someone desperate for attention will settle for just about anything.

Before Nicky or Gordy – who are both angry – can respond, Danny returns, dressed in a different outfit.

SKIP

Hon, you changed your clothes?

DANNY

Yeah, I figured since we’re going out with your parents, I might as well look nice, right?

SKIP

You always look nice.

GORDY

(Under His Breath)

For the love of Jesus …

DANNY

(Taking in the Atmosphere)

Everything okay …

SKIP

Yes! Of course! Nicky was just telling me about his last play and how the lead dropped out, so he was called to fill in. A good old reliable back-up.

DANNY

He was really good in the play though, you should’ve seen it. To think he learned all those lines in two weeks.

SKIP

Well, when you’ve got nothing but work to worry about, I imagine that frees up a lot of time.

NICKY

Yeah … it does. But we weren’t just talking about me. We were also talking about Skip. I was telling him how much I admired his tenacity … to go to school for four years and get a degree in Journalism … and then have to resort to a job as a personal trainer because no one will hire him. I would crumble without his kind of resiliency.

Skip angrily glares at Nicky as Danny looks confused, not knowing if the two had just insulted each other or not.

DANNY

Riiiight. Well, we better get going. Have fun tonight guys.

Skip leaves the house first, Danny is about to leave and then leans back into the house.

DANNY

And Nicky, seriously, I’ll wash the dishes. Let me at least do that.

(BEAT)

NICKY

Okay, I’ll make sure we use a lot then.

DANNY

Deal.

Danny leaves the house. Gordy lies down on the couch and absentmindedly reads a magazine from the coffee table.

GORDY

Why don’t you just tell him you want to do him and get it over with?

NICKY

I hate you.

GORDY

Seriously, you have no problem telling anyone else what you think of them, but you can’t tell Daniel McCoy that you have had a thing for him for the last ten years?

NICKY

That’s the thing, Mama Gordy … he’s my best friend-

GORDY

Ahem!

NICKY

Okay, he’s one of my best friends. And he used to be my straight best friend until-

GORDY

Until he shacked up with the Beast From the East.

NICKY

I just keep replaying it in my head, over and over again. I know my Gaydar is a little bit broken – it always has been – but I know that if there were signs and signals, I couldn’t have missed all of them.

GORDY

I told you he was gay. Travis told you he was gay. Sebastian told you he was gay. Skip told you … and then Skip went after him. You should’ve made your move.

NICKY

What’s wrong with taking someone’s word for face value? In high school, he never gave me any indication that he even had homosexual thoughts. It would’ve made things awkward.

GORDY

So you decided to let him move in here and be our roommate. For someone who wants life to be a little bit simpler, you sure don’t do yourself any favors kid.

NICKY

Again, I can deal with a crush being straight and therefore unattainable. I mean, hello, Ryan Reynolds?

GORDY

Please don’t mention that name. You were a nightmare to live with that whole summer. It was like living with some angst-ridden teenager who reads “Twilight.”

NICKY

But, now, I’m living with someone that I probably could’ve had a chance with; but then I ask myself, if he was gay all this time, maybe he had no romantic feelings for me at all, hence why he never told me or hit on me or anything.

GORDY

Well, to be fair, you are a little … what’s the word I’m looking for?

NICKY

What are you going to say? Slutty? Whorish?

GORDY

Eh … popular. You’re a little popular with the men.

NICKY

I was trying to distract myself from Danny! I figured if I could find someone who I clicked with, it would be the best way to nullify my feelings for my bestie.

GORDY

Ahem!!!

NICKY

One of my besties. Christ!

GORDY

Look, boo, you know I’m on your side. I always have your back. I’m just trying to offer an explanation for everything. Danny doesn’t know how you’re really thinking. If you were just as honest and open with him as you are with me and Travis, this could all be cleared up and probably could’ve been avoided in the first place.

NICKY

(Shaking His Head)

He’s with Skip now. Coming out with my feelings now would be unfair to him, if he has feelings for me at all. There’s also no way I can compete with Skip. He’s better looking, has a better job, went to college-

GORDY

Is a backstabber and a gossip; he’s also untrustworthy and has a history of cheating on all his partners … Travis being a perfect example.

NICKY

And who did Travis dump to date Skip?

GORDY

Oh. Okay, I totally didn’t mean to rip open that old wound.

NICKY

It’s fine, that was four years ago. And Travis and I are way better off as just friends.

GORDY

Let’s face facts Nicky, Skip is a flash in the pan. He is nothing but style over substance. Not to mention, he’s named after a fucking verb.

Nicky laughs.

NICKY

What did I do to deserve a friend like you?

GORDY

Not a damn thing. I’m pretty sure I’m being punished for a past life and now my penance is guiding you little shits through life.

NICKY

Ha, ha … hanging out with me and Travis sounds like more a reward than a penance.

Nicky’s cell-phone goes off. Nicky pulls the phone from out of his pocket and looks at the Caller ID and affectively rolls his eyes. Nicky presses “ignore” on his phone and tosses it on the kitchen island.

GORDY

What? Is it your dad again!?

NICKY

Of course it’s my dad again. I love how I pray and wish for a man to call me three or four times a day just to shower me with his love and adoration, and to prove to me that he has a sense of humor, God makes that man my father.

GORDY

He’s just going to call the landline and leave a long-ass message like he always does.

NICKY

And leave his full name, like an idiot, thinking I don’t know who he is.

GORDY

He’s a lot more fun to talk to ever since he had that stroke a few years back.

NICKY

Yeah, but it’s like talking to Rain Man. I’m going to shower and change.

GORDY

Oh, so I guess you want me to start the cooking?

NICKY

Well, I am the one who bought the groceries.

GORDY

(Fake Bowing)

Oh, right away massah’ … right away!

Nicky shakes his head and heads for the hallway leading to the bathroom/bedrooms. Gordy steps into the kitchen and pulls a patterned apron off of a hook hanging on the wall. The landline phones rings loudly. Gordy pulls a red bandana out of a drawer in the kitchen and wraps it around his head, the tied portion of the bandana centered on his forehead, looking like Aunt Jamima. Gordy starts preparing dinner as the phone hits it’s fifth ring and then goes to the answering machine. Talking on the machine is Nicky’s father, Franklin, and Gordy reacts in his own way – either laughing or shaking his head – as Franklin leaves one of his signature messages.

NICKY (ANSWERING MACHINE)

Hey, you’ve gotten my machine. Leave your conscience at the tone.

(BEEP)

FRANKLIN (ANSWERING MACHINE)

Hey buddy, it’s me, your dad, Franklin Tanaka. Hey, I just wanted to call again and tell you how much I enjoyed your show the other night. Daaaaayum, man, I was super proud of you. I didn’t know you could play straight. You were good. But your friend Brandon? Man, he was really, really good. He’s good in just about every show you guys are in together. I’m a little concerned though. I mean, I have to ask, how come you die in every show you’re in? I mean, you’re like those actresses in the horror films that get killed in the first fifteen minutes, and you see them, and you know they’re going to die quickly because it happens to them in every movie. You’re like one of those people. Not that that’s bad. Any little experience, right? I mean, even Jennifer Tilly had to start somewhere. You know, she’s pretty hot too, and even though she isn’t taken seriously as an actress she has made it big as a Poker player. You could play Poker for a living if acting doesn’t work out. I mean, you were always good with cards, you always beat me at UNO. But you could never beat Brandon-

AUTOMATED VOICE

END. OF. RECORDING.

GORDY

(Laughing)

I’m so happy my father is dead and my mom is too drunk to dial.

Someone walks by the window and knocks on the front door. Gordy walks up and answers the door. Standing in the doorway is TRAVIS FLOWERS, dressed in a white dress shirt, black slacks, and a black tie. He looks like a Mormon missionary with a man-bag over his shoulder. Flowers smiles happily and Gordy just rolls his eyes.

GORDY

I’m sorry, I already accepted Lady Gaga as my Lord and Savior, please send Jesus my apologies.

Gordy gingerly closes the door shut and walks away. Flowers knocks on the door again. Gordy is irritated as he opens the door once more.

GORDY

What do you want Patrick of Provo?

FLOWERS

(Confused, Half-Smiling)

Um, is this the home of Nicky Tatanka?

GORDY

Tanaka. It’s pronounced Tanaka. Tatanka was a Native American wrestler.

FLOWERS

Um, are you Nicky Tanaka?

GORDY

That depends, did he sleep with your man?

FLOWERS

Um, no?

GORDY

Did he sleep with your mama’s man?

FLOWERS

Not that I know of … ?

GORDY

Did he sleep with the man of anyone you know?

FLOWERS

Wow, Travis wasn’t kidding about his ex’s reputation.

GORDY

Travis is one to talk about people’s reputations, if his penis could talk it would have laryngitis. Wait, how do you know Travis?

FLOWERS

I’m his boyfriend. The one you guys are supposed to be meeting tonight?

(BEAT)

GORDY

I … um, I, what I meant was, that, Travis’ penis would have laryngitis if it could talk because … he’s very chatty; talk-talk-talk-talk-talk, all the time, day and night; I didn’t mean to imply-

FLOWERS

(Laughing)

It’s cool, he’s pretty upfront. So are Nicky then?

GORDY

No. No, no, I’m Gordy, please come on in. I’m so sorry for slamming the door on you before, I thought you were another Mormon.

Flowers smiles and enters the house. He really doesn’t seem fazed at all, in fact, he seems highly entertained as he takes in his surroundings.

FLOWERS

I figured. I know that you weren’t expecting me until five, but my rehearsal let out kind of early and I didn’t see any reason in driving all the way to the east end of town only to have to turn around and drive all the way back this way after getting home.

GORDY

I totally understand. Can I get you anything to drink (searches for a name) … ?

FLOWERS

Travis.

GORDY

Right now I’m all out of Travis I’m afraid.

FLOWERS

Ah, no, my name is also Travis. Travis Flowers.

GORDY

(Fake Smile)

Oh! Travis … and Travis. How … cute. Well, Little Travis, is there anything I can get you to drink?

FLOWERS

No, I’m cool. Thank you though!

GORDY

Please, have a seat, make yourself comfortable.

Flowers takes a seat on the couch, pulling his bag off and setting it beside him on the couch. Gordy is about to return to the kitchen when Nicky exits the hallway, wearing his boxers and a t-shirt, drying his hair with a towel. Nicky doesn’t seem to notice someone on the couch as he looks at Gordy’s outfit from across the room curiously.

NICKY

Gordy, why are you dressed like you just escaped from It’s a Small World?

GORDY

I’m just making my work place fun. I feel like a strong black woman when I wear this.

NICKY

For the last time Mama Gordy, you are not black!

GORDY

I am one-eighth black, it completely counts.

NICKY

Kevin Federline is blacker than you, Mama Gordy.

GORDY

I can’t believe you would say such a hurtful and hateful thing to me, in front of guests no less!

Gordy waves toward the couch where Flowers has been sitting, watching this entire exchange. Nicky immediately thinks he’s a Mormon too and raises one eyebrow.

NICKY

Well hello … Gordy, you got me a Mormon? Is it my birthday?

GORDY

Omigod, To Catch a Predator much? That’s Travis’ boyfriend.

FLOWERS

(Waves and Smiles)

Nice to meet the very popular Nicky in the flesh. I’m Travis’s boyfriend Travis … Travis Flowers.

NICKY

(Nervously Laughs)

Oh. Hello. I’m, um, just gonna put some pants on.

GORDY

That would be a great start.

Nicky, embarrassed, exits into the hallway.

FLOWERS

Wow! If you guys are this entertaining in person, I can’t wait to meet your friend Sebastian.

GORDY

What? Travis didn’t warn you about us?

FLOWERS

Oh, he totally did. But, I think he was dialing things down a bit so as not to frighten me.

GORDY

Well, what exactly did Travis tell you about us, that way I can confirm, deny, and get my story straight now before I get anyone in trouble.

FLOWERS

Well, he told me that you were like the mother hen of the group. That’s why everyone calls you “Mama” Gordy.

Nicky re-enters the living room, his humiliating subsiding.

NICKY

We also call him “Mama” because of them child-baring hips.

GORDY

I will kill you, and bury your body in a Sharron Angle t-shirt.

FLOWERS

He also told me how you sometimes think you’re black.

GORDY

What you talking ‘bout Willis? I am black.

NICKY

You’re so going to Hell. And just so you know, Hell is a non-stop marathon of The O’ Reilly Factor.

FLOWERS

And he told me that Nicky was the actor and his very – um – (searches for the words) –

NICKY & GORDY (IN UNISON)

Popular.

FLOWERS

Yeah, his very popular ex. He also warned me that Sebastian is the big prude.

NICKY

And the lush.

GORDY

Yeah, and he’s also a big media whore. Thinks he knows everything about everything.

NICKY

Basically, the kid is socially retarded. He gets a free pass because we’re pretty certain his parents made him sleep under the stairs as a child.

FLOWERS

Like Harry Potter or something?

GORDY

Kind of, but less cool.

NICKY

Yeah, and he’s actually friends with his own version of Voldemort.

FLOWERS

(Grimaces)

“Voldemort.” Yeah, Travis told me about him too. He Who Shall Not Be Named.

NICKY

See Mama, I told you that nickname would catch on.

FLOWERS

Yeah, apparently Travis dumped you for “Voldemort” and then the guy totally stomped on his heart and cheated on him with a Go-Go Boy?

NICKY

It was a deejay.

GORDY

What? No, I’m pretty sure it was a Go-Go Boy.

NICKY

Who cares, it was probably both the deejay and some random Go-Go Boy.

FLOWERS

And if I remember correctly, Travis told me that “Voldemort” is now dating your true love. The bestie from high school?

(BEAT)

GORDY

Are you and Travis lesbians, because I’m pretty sure only lesbians divulge that much information about their friends to their lovers.

FLOWERS

Well, I found all this out when I asked Travis about his family. I guess you guys are like his family since his parents don’t speak to him anymore.

NICKY

Yeah. It was fucking bloody when his parents found out he was bi. After that and “Voldemort,” it’s hard for him to trust. We’re pretty much all he has as support.

FLOWERS

It shows when he talks, he thinks the world of you guys … well, despite his colorful descriptions of you all. He says you guys tend to make fun of each other a lot too.

GORDY

True. If we don’t tease you, we don’t like you.

FLOWERS

Sooooo, if I don’t get teased tonight does that mean I don’t have your seals of approval?

NICKY

The night is very young. But don’t ask Mama Gordy, youth is not really his topic of expertise.

GORDY

He’s right. But I’m built to last. Unlike the men that have paraded through Nicky’s bedroom.

NICKY

Touche. Bitch.

Nicky goes into the kitchen to go ahead and finish what Gordy started. Gordy is about to join him and goes about to make more conversation.

GORDY

So, are there any nicknames you go by, Travis? That way we’re not mixing you and your boyfriend up tonight?

FLOWERS

No. Sadly not.

NICKY

His last name is Flowers, let’s just call him Flower.

GORDY

Like the skunk from Bambi? No one wants to be nicknamed after a skunk!

NICKY

Says the man who came up with such hits as Nip/Tuck Everlasting and Mr. “Nevermind.”

GORDY

I’m not saying they’re all good.

FLOWERS

What about Trav or just T.?

GORDY

How about Blossom? You know, flowers blossom!

NICKY

You shoot down my idea but find it perfectly okay to nickname him after that ugly broad with the big nose and the ugly hats on TV? That’s cruel.

GORDY

Well, it’s settled then. Your nickname is Blossom!

FLOWERS

Wow, thanks Gordy, and I actually was starting to think you were the nice one in this house.

NICKY

Well screw you too, Blossom, consider the nickname seconded by me then.

GORDY

So, I have a question Blossom. Why did you ask if I was Nicky if you knew so much about us from Travis? I mean, didn’t you see all of our pictures and stuff on his Facebook?

FLOWERS

I don’t have a Facebook.

Nicky and Gordy are both aghast by this revelation.

NICKY

In the name of Farrah Fawcett, say what?

FLOWERS

I don’t have a Facebook. Or a Twitter. Too much drama. Too much misunderstanding. I’m also not comfortable with potential stalkers knowing where I check-in and where I check-out. When I had those things I had the eerie feeling that at any moment I was gonna end up being a victim on Special Victim’s Unit.

NICKY

Well that’s cool. Now we can talk shit about you and you’ll never know.

GORDY

Makes sense when Travis changed his relationship status to “in a relationship” and didn’t mention with who a month ago. I thought he was just doing that to show he was in a relationship with himself, like during that time he converted to Kaballah in ’09.

NICKY

Boy, what a week that was.

GORDY

Blossom, you said rehearsal for you let out early, what were you rehearsing that called for you to dress up so snazzy?

FLOWERS

I’m in Glee Club.

NICKY

You’re in the Las Vegas Glee Club? That’s a pretty elite group of singers!

FLOWERS

Uh, no, actually I’m in a Glee Club at school.

GORDY

Oh, UNLV?

FLOWERS

Not exactly. Do you guys mind if I use your bathroom? I have to take a leak real bad.

GORDY

Go down the hall, second door on the right.

FLOWERS

Thanks.

Flowers begins making his way to the hallway.

NICKY

Does CSN have a Glee Club?

FLOWERS

(Nonchalantly)

No, I don’t go to CSN. I go to Reagan High.

Flowers goes through the hallway and disappears from sight as Gordy looks completely shocked and Nicky is still completely in the dark.

NICKY

Regan High University? I haven’t heard of that campus, is that on the east side?

Gordy just shoots Nicky a look.

NICKY

(Irritated)

What!?

(BEAT)

NICKY

(Realizing)

Wait …

(BEAT)

NICKY

(Dawning)

… Oh. Whoa!

Lights fade out.

And of course, I must share this joyous treasure with all of you. Proof  positive that I am not the kind of person to pass up an opportunity to sharpen my claws on someone when it is needed.

Now I know you all are worried that there is some huge, long-winded backstory of love lost, betrayal, and heartache that would make Stephanie Meyer’s head swim, but that’s not the case. I chatted with this guy on a personal site a couple of times, he blew me off, he sent me one email asking me out, I told him about the last run of “Titus Andronicus” (where I played the role of Prince Bassianus of Rome) and told him how hectic my schedule was … and received no reply. Low and behold, I found this beautiful piece of literature in my spam folder just minutes after he sent it …

“gosh no responce from my mancunt site….please BLOCK ME   and why you send me your e-mail ?   if your so full of bullshit that you have to clean out your ears to hear …..then save it for someone else…. do me a favor…dont bullshit other guys into pretending you want to meet them when you really do not want to meet them….and me ?    I could tell , but just thought I would prove myself wrong…I hate being right ….shit….just cleaning house tonight …have a nice life   and you can block me on adam 4 adam too …it would be such a compliment   bye bye”

Bitch. No you dn’t. Oh no … you f’n … dn’t! You see? I go after a guy in his 30s who actually is employed and seems down-to-earth and nice, he restores classic cars, looks like a young Dennis Quaid, and then I find out he’s a total infant. Well, since I’m my mother’s son and it’s the family legacy to attract dirtbags … it’s also part of the family legacy to put a punk in his place. And so I did.

Yesterday was the first time we actually got to hang out where neither one of us was going through personal strife, so what did we do once she got off work at the lawyer’s office? Duh. We went shopping! Holly had missed my birthday party in January due to a trip she had already planned “to the Motherland of the Jews” … Israel. Now that we were both gainfully employed, we celebrated our small successes and spent the whole day and early evening catching up while browsing the very-dead and very-slow Boulevard Mall.

Many months ago, Holly had told me that she would be moving to California. I remember specifically saying to her … “No. You won’t.” She was adamant. “Yes I am.” At the time, Holly was struggling for work, had a shitty car, lived with family, and was having so many man issues that I feared she would be changing her diet from meat to fish. I told her things would work out … and that it would all turn around if she would just relax. Sure enough, the next time we hang out was yesterday … and she’s showing off her new car, talking about her new job, and gushing about her new boyfriend Thomas, whom she already lives with. See how quickly things can change in the span of three months? Try as I hard as I did, Holly refused to say “you were right.”

Stubborn Jews!

Compared to Holly’s new lease on life, I was quite the bore in the conversation department … I went back to waiting tables, and that was pretty much it. With nothing else new to talk about … what doI do? I gush to Holly the gory details of my sex life … which she got a kick out of, before asking me a million questions such as:

“When you do roleplaying … like … how do you keep from laughing so much?”

Holly almost drove by the mall while we discussed my sex life … she saw Macy’s and other stores and was wondering where the Boulevard Mall was, seemingly unaware that the stores were connected to the mall itself, and essentially made up 1/3 of the building. When inside the mall, we remarked about how dead it was … I attribute the decline in popularity of the Boulevard Mall to the fact that all their shops suck. You can’t really blame the economy when the Galleria, the Outlet Mall, and the Meadows Mall are all busy with a sea of consumers. All of the fun stores in the Boulevard are pretty much gone, with the exception of Hot Topic … which was the first store I wanted to hit up.

Hot Topic is one of the main stores that carries Living Dead Dolls, the zombie dolls that I collect. The Valentine’s Day Twisted Love series had already come out, and since I had Rose already, I wanted to complete the duo by buying Violet (each comes with a charm that you combine to make a necklace with a heart with a dagger through it). So, I purchase Violet, and the friendly girl at the counter asks if I have the H+1 card (not to be confused with the H1N1/Swineflu Virus). I say no (even though I have one), and sign up for it using the birthdate of March 17th, 1986 instead of January 27th. Why? Because, if you’re birthday is close at the time of sign-up (like it was when I originally signed up – ironically, when I bought Rose) … you get $5 off your total purchase if the total is $25 or more.

With Violet being $24.99, I had to buy a piece of candy to bring the total up to get my “birthday” discount. The cashier explained the discount to me as well as my new card (which I signed up for using my wrestling name, Tommy Purr), and when she mentioned my birthday being just a week away … Holly instantly turned to me, as if she were going to say something … so I kicked her underneath the counter. Holly picked out this huge sucker for the piece of candy, seeing as how I wasn’t going to eat it, and gladly took my new card seeing as how I already had one to begin with and simply signed up for the discount.

Happy with my purchase, Holly and I ventured to FYE (which stands for “for your entertainment” and is completely different from Fry’s Electronics for those of you who keep arguing with me on this matter) just to browse. I was instantly sad to find that Melrose Place: Season Five, Volume Two was already out on DVD … and while I am gainfully employed again, I still like to keep my money stockpiled. Holly then went on this tangent about A Clockwork Orange and told me how she hated the movie and how she felt it condoned rape. I’ve never really sat through the movie before, but Holly was in an uproar that “such a sucky movie” was $27 … despite “being made int he 70s.”

$27 for the movie was very steep, considering it’s usually one of the first movies you find in the $5 bin at Wal-Mart. While continuing our browsing, I saw that FYE started carrying overpriced action figures again. As we readied to leave, a certain box caught my eye … and I instantly had a nerd-gasm on my way out of the store as I recognized the Living Dead Dolls in Wonderland series … a set that has been sold out since it’s release three weeks ago! Robi had been fortunate enough to come across the dolls in Havasu (at a Hastings of all places), and buy me the Queen of Hearts and himself the White Rabbit. I instantly threw my bag at Holly, who didn’t understand why I was freaking out so bad, and dove for the dolls as they were on a lower shelf.

Three boxes … all three of them were dolls that I didn’t have. Alice, the White Rabbit, and the Mad Hatter. $25 a piece … are you shitting me!?! Considering FYE never carried LDD’s before, I was floored … and even more shocked that they didn’t jack up the price! I debated between the Mad Hatter and the White Rabbit, and Holly offered to buy me one as a belated birthday gift so I could purchase the other. Excited, I didn’t even bother fighting her on her offer … but then Holly wondered about poor little Alice, who was left on the shelf by herself.

“What about her? Don’t you want to complete the set?”

“I can wait … she’s boring anyway …”

“Well, now she’s not going to want to go home with you … she heard that, she’ll probably murder you in your sleep.”

I then raced back to Hot Topic and exchanged Violet in for a cash refund, giving some B.S. story about my sister getting mad that I bought the doll when she already purchased it for “my birthday.” I then rushed back to FYE and bought the White Rabbit for myself while Holly bought me Mad Hatter. After being rung up, I saw they had a Barbie-version of Jacob Black from New Moon. He was shirtless with sneakers and denim shorts and looked just like Taylor Lautner … much better than the sparkling Edward doll that looks nothing like Robert Pattinson. I might just have to get that to add to my very-selective Barbie collection. Now if they would just appease me and make an Emmett or Alice doll … then I’d be happy.

With my new purchases, Holly and I hit the eatery … where I ate at Sbarro’s and Holly – who refused to eat anything because she “wasn’t hungry” – stopped by a funnel cake stand.

“Why didn’t you stop me, Tommy?”

“You said you weren’t hungry!”

“I know … you just abandoned me! You should’ve stopped me and reminded me how I wasn’t hungry … but now I have to eat this. Thanks. Thanks a lot, Tommy!”

“Why didn’t you get a smaller size then?”

“BECAUSE THEY ONLY HAD LIKE IT OR LOVE IT!!! I’m going to write their corporate office and tell them they need a medium-size.”

“I’m sure that’ll be a first … a customer complaining about the portions.”

“Shut. Up.”

I ate a spinach and cheese stromboli with baked ziti … and I always regret it as soon as I order it, you think I’d learn by now. Holly then appropriately reminded me of something …

“Sbarro’s is Italian, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Look behind the counter. Is there ONE Italian back there?”

“Holly!”

“Look, I’m not racist … but I’m just saying, maybe Mexicans shouldn’t cook Italian.”

“Well, I guess you’re right, Hitler was Jewish and he was the one baking all them pizzas.”

“Actually, DOUCHEBAG, in the motherland … the pizza … is delicious.”

This led Holly into her stories about her trip to Israel … where I instructed her to not get raped, sold into slavery, or have her clitoris ripped out. Holly’s story consisted of many uses of the words: like, beautiful, and omigod, amazing!

Holly then proceeded to tell me how she brought some Americana to the Motherland.

“I taught them how to say beyotch.”

“No … no, Holly!”

“I told them it was a term of endearment.”

Then she proceeded to tell me how she took 1,800 pictures … and plenty of them had her picking her nose in them or using a public bathroom. That’s what I love about Holly … for such a girlie-girl, she sure does have the toilet humor of a boy. And, honestly, who doesn’t crack up at the sight of a gorgeous girl who has a finger crammed up her nose while pictured with a camel? It would be tragic and sad if she were Kirstie Alley, but when you’re as pretty as Holly, you can get away with great stuff like that. After that, Holly and I hit Pac Sun, where I helped her pick out some cute shirts that were on sale … while I normally have a disdain for waiting for others to finish trying on clothes, I have to say that I didn’t go bonkers shopping for Holly … maybe it was because I knew she was actually going to buy something instead of just trying things on for kicks.

While I waited, I balanced my bank account. $100 in the bank, payday was the following day (today), and I had $120 on me in cash. I thought back to my birthday when my very generous mother gave me $50 and told me to spend it on whatever I wanted “for a figure, or a doll, or anything you like … just don’t use it on bills, I want you to have something for your birthday.” Naturally, I didn’t listen … I blew the money on bills and groceries because I didn’t know when I’d start work again. After thinking about it, I realized that I’ve stressed long enough and should probably treat myself. So, after Pac Sun … Holly and I returned to FYE and I bought Alice … and might I add, while the plainest of the dolls, she’s very cute beside my Mad Hatter.

After leaving the mall, Holly and I ventured to Wal-Mart so I could pick up cat litter and cat food for Sable, who had become very uppity once she realized her food was all gone. Holly wondered out loud why this big, black woman was wearing a too-tight, hot pink, checkered top … and then, while Holly waited in line to buy her sister PEZ (of all things), she told someone who cut in front of her in the self-check-out … “It’s okay, it’s not like I was waiting here … or anything … with my PEZ.”

On the way out, the laughs continued …

“When’s Easter … ?” I asked.

Holly gave me a blank stare … “Um … JEWISH!”

I busted up … completely forgetting as Holly nagged me about asking her the date of a Christian holiday. Outside, on the way to the car, I called Holly a bad Jew … to which some hobo responded inaudibly trying to defend Holly, which only caused us to speed up our trek back to the car. While Holly was a complete lady and a joy to be with throughout the day, my promising evening took a turn for the eventual worse …

Spring cleaning.

For us normal folk who don’t spend our days and nights getting slammed down on our backs (insert the name of one of my many friends and witty comment here), spring cleaning generally consists of us dusting, vacuuming, and buzzing about with every attempt and intention of organizing our lives so we appear less lazy and sloppy than we really and truly are.

For the WWE, it means trimming the fat. Getting rid of what supposedly doesn’t work. By that, I mean … the talent. During this time of year, wrestling fans rejoice at the departures of some (I’m treasurer of the Thank God Ashley Massaro is GONE! Fan Club) and mourn at the loss of others (I’m still none-too-pleased with the release of Dawn Marie Ronaldi, and that was in 2005). It’s during these trying times that we see how cruel the WWE can be … releasing pregnant female workers (i.e. Dawn Marie), recently-married couples (i.e. Miss Jackie Gayda & Charlie Haas), and veterans that have been with the company for years and get silently released into the night (i.e. Val Venis). It’s also during these times that we – as fans – attempt to make the most out of the situation by turning the misery of the potentially unemployed into a game for our own amusement.

Across chat forums and boards, people have compiled lists of who will probably be released. Recently, the WWE has “future endeavored” five on-air personalities. For those who don’t know what “future endeavored” means … it’s the term used when your employer tells you – “we wish you the best in future endeavors.” It’s the polite way of saying, “you’re fired.”

Charlie Haas became part of the WWE in 2002 as part of Team Angle, debuting with tag team partner Shelton Benjamin and allied with Kurt Angle. A gifted wrestler and in-ring technician, Haas was a solid performer with good looks who, unfortunately, lacked some charisma and … mainly a personality. In 2005, after marrying WWE Diva (and his valet) Miss Jackie Gayda, both received the call that they had been released! Haas later returned to the company in 2006, and eventually gained tremendous praise for a gimmick that WWE is typically known for saddling people with when they have no clue what to do with them … the impersonator gimmick. Charlie Haas – following in the steps of Stevie Richards and “The Big Show” Paul Wight – began impersonating WWE Superstars ranging from Hulk Hogan, Bret “the Hit Man” Hart, to even … yes … Beth Phoenix! Instead of being billed as “the Glamazon,” Charlie was billed as “the GlamaHaas.” Soon, Haas was pulled from TV despite his impersonations getting over with the crowd and having the ring ability to match. Sadly, he’s one of the five who was cut from the roster this week, tragic considering there was plenty that could’ve been done with him. I even admit to having somewhat of a crush on the guy … just look at him!

Charlie Haas - 3x WWE Tag Team Champion

Naturally, Haas wasn’t the only talented wrestler to be released from the roster. Paul Burchill was another repeat offender in the WWE who had previously been well over and popular with the crowd under his previous gimmick of a swashbuckling pirate …

Paul Burchill Circa 2005

Burchill was then released from the company, but then later resurfaced in the ‘E sometime in 2007 … only this time, he was more of a serious competitor, adopting the nickname “the Ripper” and flanked by his lovely (on-screen) sister, Katie Lea.

Katie Lea Burchill - The Queen of Chaos

Initially, before the WWE turned “PG,” the plan was to have the English siblings make subtle references to the two of them having an incestuous relationship. Katie made it clear that she “loved watching [her] big brother cause pain to others” while lovingly stroking his arm or smiling at him suggestively … while Paul would respond with, “What Katie wants, Katie gets.” The innuendos didn’t last long, and soon, Katie adopted her “Queen of Chaos” gimmick … leaving Paul with the gimmick of being “some English guy.” During their feud with The Hurricane on the ECW brand (which also was “future endeavored” in favor of the latest WWE show, NXT), Katie and Paul vowed to unmask The Hurricane … the green superhero who had already been unmasked in the WWE years prior, his “true identity” being revealed as Gregory Helms. Lame. Just lame … not only was the WWE rewriting history, they were also making the Burchill’s look like morons.

The Hurricane - 2x WWE Cruiserweight Champion, 2x WWE Tag Team Champion, WWE European Champion, & WWE Hardcore Champion

In the climax to their “stunning feud,” Paul wrestled The Hurricane in a Mask Vs. Career Match … if Paul won, The Hurricane would be unmasked. If The Hurricane won, Paul and Katie would be banished from the WWE. The Hurricane won, and the Burchill’s were sent packing until they “luckily” wound up on the RAW brand when Katie took part in an eight-Diva tournament to crown a new WWE Divas Champion. Alas, the end was near when there was no apparent mention of Paul. Maybe he should’ve stuck with wearing the eyeliner, because you must admit, he’s pretty boring when he’s not a pirate …

"Mr. Serious"

… Not only was Paul released from the ‘E … so was The Hurricane! Not surprising, considering Gregory Helms proceeded to get drunk and get arrested for being intoxicated in a public place. Granted, he was also arrested with “my baby daddy” Chris Jericho. But here’s the difference between Chris Jericho and Gregory “Hurricane” Helms … Chris Jericho is so epic, so talented, and so freakin’ awesome that when you speak his name, you must say his first and last name. Gregory? Not so much. I’ve always found him rather annoying and pretty much only liked him when he was paired up with the talented and magnificent Molly Holly as his sidekick, Mighty Molly. Personally, I’m sad that he’s unemployed but I’m not going to miss seeing him on my television. His speech impediment also drove me up the wall!

Let us hope and pray that the talented Katie Lea is spared!

In a shocking move by the WWE, Maria Kanellis has also been released from the company. With Lilian Garcia, Trish Stratus, Stacy Keibler, Victoria, Torrie Wilson, and Lita all gone from the WWE … Maria and Michelle McCool were considered “the veterans” of the Divas considering they had both debuted by way of the first-ever $250,000 RAW Diva Search in 2004. Six years in the business is a respectable run for women in the industry, but the decision to release Maria was a rather odd one.

Maria Kanellis - "Playboy" Cover Girl & WWE Diva of the Year 2009

For one, Maria is appearing on Celebrity Apprentice and has an album being released on iTunes soon. Despite being no Trish Stratus in the ring, she was popular with the fans and even exposed her bush in Playboy Magazine in 2008. Considering the WWE likes its performers to branch out and attract the attention of potential new fans, the fact that they would release Maria BEFORE learning the outcomes of her Apprentice appearance and album sales is just odd and seems like a poor business decision on their part … especially after naming her the WWE Diva of the Year 2009. For female-wrestling enthusiasts such as myself, it seems like a time to rejoice.

While Maria may have been well-liked and arguably a cute woman to look at on-screen, the fact remains that her wrestling ability was shite. Watching her act was also painful for viewers after she dropped her “ditzy interviewer” gimmick, something that endeared her to fans and set her apart from the sea of bland and cookie-cutter like women on the roster after the era of Lita & Trish came to an end. The woman was also notorious for only know one pose, and that was constantly pouting her lips and sticking her jaw out while narrowing her eyes. Also, perhaps I’m being a bit too harsh, or maybe it’s just a conflict of styles (mine versus hers), but if I were her, I wouldn’t have openly told everyone that I had made my own ring attire … half the time it looked cheap, tacky, and looked as if it would cause Heidi Klum to have an aneurysm upon looking at it. Then again, she’s a celebrity and making money off of everything she does, so what do I know … ?

With Maria out of the picture, one has to wonder if the WWE is planning on finally taking their Women’s Division seriously again by getting rid of the women who just “aren’t getting it” in the ring … only time will tell if the likes of eye candy women like the Bella Twins and Rosa Mendes are going to outlast talented female grapplers such as Katie Lea and former Divas Champion Jillian Hall.

By now, you’re probably wondering who the fifth person was that was recently announced as being released.

It was Scott Armstrong.

A referee.

Don’t care? Didn’t think so. Neither do I. That’s why he’s at the end.

I’m not a klepto by any means (that distinction would probably be better suited for a former roommate of mine that shall not be named) … but I must confess that, lately, I’ve been eying something that’s not mine; and I chastise myself at the mere thought of committing an act of what others would consider complete and total thievery.

Every day, on my way to the bus stop when I need to go to work, I walk by a particular house. Every evening, on my way home from work, I walk by this particular house again. This house is the kind of house that the neighborhood kids probably gossip about … you know what I’m talking about. That house in the neighborhood that you swore was haunted or swore that someone was murdered in just because it had a rickety old fence, shattered windows, and those God-awful chalk-white curtains that look like someone A.) Bled to death all over them (where the red of the blood turned to brown over time) or B.) Lit them on fire.

What first brought my attention to this house was the lovely sign on the outside that reads FOR SALE: Talking House Tour! Se Habla Espanol. Apparently the house talks to you, which is just creepy in itself. Since I have nothing better to do with my pitiful existence on my way to the bus stop, I usually gawk at the houses and generally feel better knowing that the home I share with Richard and Ron isn’t the only house that looks tragic on the outside. In any event, Ron, Richard, and myself have YET to buy a garbage can for outside … that way the neighborhood strays (and the crazy Mexican bag lady that roams our neighborhood) don’t go through our garbage and leave it all over the side of the house.

Pushed against the wall, in the front and just next to (presumably) one of the bedroom windows of this vacant atrocity of a home are two green garbage cans … a standard one with handles on the sides … and another with wheels. Part of me wants to lighten the work load for the Extreme Home Makeover crew that is – no doubt – going to have to bulldoze this home to make it somewhat decent by removing the garbage cans and adopting them as my own, giving them a purpose in life instead of waiting for the day that they – TOO – become garbage.

Irony. It’s a beautiful thing.

But then I wonder to myself … what if someone saw me stroll up after a long night at work and drag the trash cans over to my neck of the woods? Would someone call the police on me? And then, my mind starts to wonder about the metaphysical side of things.

What if someone DID die in that house and what if the very spirit of the deceased followed me back to my place of residence and haunted me for the rest of my days until I returned the garbage cans back to their place of origin? Seriously, Ron would be pissed if I brought home any entities … he can barely stand my cat and my obsessive doll collection. Of course, realistically, isn’t it better – in the long run – to have my trash in a container instead of simply tied up inside of a plastic bag that could be ripped to shreds by cats, Mexicans, and the elements at any time? In this generation obsessed with “going green,” isn’t it the right thing to take what isn’t being used (or simply abandoned) and recycle it by utilizing it for the purpose it was created for?

I could probably solve this moral dilemma by simply purchasing a garbage can like every other person in America … but why do that when I can use the money to purchase expensive items in the self-check-out after ringing them up and weighing them on the scanner as grapes … ?